INSPIRING WISDOM

The Challenge of Marriage

What is Marriage?

Marriage is generally looked upon as the culmination of love. We hold, however, that marriage is not the culmination of love, but the beginning of love, not the summation of an ideal, but the initiative step toward an ideal. If we regard marriage as the realization of an ideal, that is, the materialization of love, it will become to us as a thing which we have already attained and possess. The fulfillment of an ideal brings in reality less happiness than the striving for its fulfillment. Marriage is first of all, based on companionship... Two spirits are joined in order to strengthen and supplement each other. One gives tenderness, the other supplies vigor, one furnishes softness and kindness, the other contributes courage and decision; one gives inspiration, the other achievement. A true marriage is naturally based on love; but it is only through mutual service and self-sacrifice that love is sustained through life. If marriage denotes absolute acquisition, it is an arid state, wanting the enthusiasm, the joy and the fresh devotion which characterize the quest for the ideal. But marriage is not acquisition, it does not denote absolute possession; it marks rather the incipiency of true love, the starting point in the direction of the ideal. Two souls will cherish each other more deeply when they realize that the task of gaining each other lies before them, not behind them, that marriage has merely made the way clear, has given them the opportunity to gain each other, that new attempts, new efforts, new sacrifices must be made by both each day to gain more love, to reach greater depths of devotion, to realize more and more the ideal of a perfect union.

Marriage is strictly speaking a process by which one personality makes room for another personality. Marital life is essentially a life of mutual hospitality; one heart makes room for another heart, one mind takes in within its circumference another mind, one soul invites another soul into its abode. In dealing with a personality to whom the soul has extended its invitation of hospitality, two elements are essential; one is patience and the other is tenderness. And yet, though marriage is, in a certain respect, a matter of chance, inherently there is no chance of failure in marriage. Two characters may be different, yes; two minds may be of different calibers, yes; they may react in different manner, foster different ideals, follow different ways, and nevertheless they may be harmoniously united and live happily together.

Man is possessed of the power of attraction...it is not called gravity or magnetism; it is called love. The best way of acquiring friends is through friendship; the best way of gaining love is through loving. Love is one of the attributes of the Divine Mind, and the whole universe is but an expression of this attitude. Love, whether divine or human, must have an outlet for its expression. Love is not a virtue that man must struggle for in order to acquire. It is inherent in man; it resides in the depths of the human heart, it is knitted into his being. Love, however, like all other inherent powers, must be made to call it into action; otherwise, it will remain in a potential state, finding only rare or inadequate expression. The expression of love is an essential to happiness. There are invisible attractions, intangible fibers that weave two hearts together. True friendship brings out the highest and best that is in one, it is stimulating and elevating...If you have a true friend, you have one who is ready to make sacrifices for you, who would do for you what he would do for himself...You have one before whom you may speak the truth without restraint and without hesitation, and without fear of losing your prestige and your favor, without fear of rebuke or humiliation; you have one whose mere presence lifts you to a higher more joyous realm. Love seeks to help, and not to derive benefit; to serve, and not to dominate. Love is greater than tolerance, for love breeds tolerance; love is greater than benevolence, for benevolence is one of the many channels through which love pours itself forth; love is more than tenderness, for tenderness is but the language of love, love is more than forgiveness, for he who loves, forgives. Love gives rise to all these noble qualities, inherent in man's highest self, and yet is more even than the aggregate of all of these.

Ingredients for Success

Although we say, in matters of conduct, that deeds speak louder than words, yet man's utterances concerning character are usually the keynote to his ideals, they point the direction in which he aspires to go. For there is one personality behind hasty words and another behind deliberate words; cheerful words emanate from a cheerful disposition, sour and embittered utterances indicate an opposite mood and temperament. Speak kindly: a kind word leaves a most lasting and powerful impression. A kind word has this characteristic about it: it always encourages; it encourages to greater achievements; it encourages to cleaner and finer conduct, it leads to greater happiness. A kind word kindles hope in despondent eyes, and lifts a downcast spirit; a kind word will make a reticent tongue speak, and stir silent thoughts into action. A kind word is the true expression of humanness...As for example, when kind words are spoken they usually emanate from the heart, but if they do not emanate from the heart and there is still an intention of kindness behind them, these words nevertheless impress themselves strongly upon the heart of the one who has uttered them and there they create around themselves sets of emotions which harmonize with the content of kindliness which they expressed.

The ability to wait until your irritation passes, until your unpleasant state evaporates, until your resentment vanishes, is a greater quality than which seeks forgiveness for embarrassment which you have already caused, which seeks to heal a wound that you have yourself inflicted, which seeks to pacify a heart which you have dejected and mortified. Patience simply makes the way for the harmonious qualities in two spirits; it removes all the obstacles on the way to unitedness and peace. Two characters may be different, two dispositions may be possessed of different reactions, and yet through the exercise of patience these different dispositions will become more and more bent toward one another, they will grow nearer and nearer to each other, until in time they will entirely approach each other without leaving an atmosphere of difference between them.

Patience alone is not sufficient; patience without tenderness may lapse into a state of indifference, into a state of coldness and stoicism. Tenderness is a silent appeal from one heart to another heart, and the appeal is powerful, irresistible, ever failing in its end. That which softens one heart will also soften another heart. The expression of tenderness in the home must become habitual, it must become more and more intense and whole-hearted.

Love is a living emotion, and as such it must have freedom, it must have encouragement for growth and expression. Patience gives it freedom. Tenderness gives it encouragement. Patience overlooks, tenderness forbears; patience minimizes faults, tenderness magnifies virtues; patience stifles anger, subdues bitterness, tenderness urges harmony and peace; patience bridles the tongue, holds back unkind criticism, tenderness adores and encourages. Love is therefore nourished and supported by both.

Nothing will bend heart to heart more closely than an act of kindness, which is the language of love; nothing will knit soul to soul more firmly than a word of tenderness, nothing will bring more cheer than a glance of sympathy and love. Kindness is a divine gift within man, a part of God Himself. Kindness reaches the heart and stimulates love. Show kindness, and you will reap love, friendship, happiness.

The Continued Challenge

Before marriage, man and woman are, as a rule, deeply in love with each other, but this is not always the case after marriage. Before marriage, man's and woman's ideals lie in the future. Their hopes lie in the future. Each one sees the other as a medium for greater happiness in the future. The imagination weaves its dreams and sees happy visions; the emotions are stirred in anticipation of great joys in the future. After marriage, the expected future actually arrives; fancies then recede and the imagination makes room for reality...Love, after that, must have a different basis for its growth and expansion.

If you ask the question, how is love to be maintained after marriage, our answer is simply: by maintaining companionship. A man and a woman cannot force themselves to love each other after marriage. But they can develop a true companionship between themselves...Love then will take care of itself. It will be a thing not of fancy or illusion, but a constantly unfolding and increasing force, growing out of the merging of two personalities in a vital union. Companionship between individuals is grounded on three distinct elements: common ideals, mutual consideration, and acts of self-sacrifice. Feelings of fellowship gradually perfect themselves and reach one another's spirit. This union of their finer selves is supplemented, if companionship is to be achieved, by a show of true consideration for the other. When one goes out of his way to do the other a kindness, when he shows that the other's zeal means something to him, that she is actually anxious to add something to his happiness, then the intimacy between them takes a forward stride. A still higher union is formed, a still closer bond is established, when one thinks sufficiently of the other's happiness to make a sacrifice for him.

After marriage, one must not seek his or her individual pleasure, but the pleasure and satisfaction of the other as well. After marriage, as before marriage, one must sense keenly what will bring joy and what agony to the other. Before marriage love is an instinct, after marriage it is a reward. It is the reward of harmonious strivings, of mutual consideration, and of self-sacrifice on the part of both.